Nityalochana

"Maybe all this was for her, to get her back, to get back what I lost, to get what I need." He said to the mirror.

I am a simple man, writing for a living, and eating to live. I never had big dreams except for my name being screened as "Written By". I live in a PG, with 3 people in my room. I generally don't leave my room unless it's essential or I am narrating a script to someone. My part of the bed is always neat and clean, I can't say the same for my friends or maybe roommates. I always have my headphones plugged in so never spoke to them or had a pep talk about our lives, all they know about me is I am a madman with a laptop & headphones. Being alone was never a problem for me, I found peace in it.

One day all the 3 of them got sick and I had to get some food for us to eat, and this was a big task for me as I don't speak to anyone and even if I do, it's a lot to take in. That day, near the tiffin center, in the noisy and fast-moving crowd, my eyes were attracted to something other than my laptop screen, more like attracted to someone. If I had to write on the first sight of her; "The sun brightening her eyes, her biting her lower lip like she was anxious about the crowd, pushing back her hair and swiping the sweat on her forehead" the well-known introvert; me, approached her to ask if she needed help to get something for her, this was a lifestyle change moment for me and then I didn't know that it would change my life too. She replied, "I would like it more than my life, please!" With all the anxiety I already had, I had to go in, through the crowd as I gave my word to her, if not for a writer's word I would've escaped all of it by giving an excuse.

After giving her what she wanted I asked her awkwardly "Hey, uhmm, what's your name!?" From behind her friend shouts "Nitya" making it knowingly awkward for both of us. In embarrassment, she left the place. After that day, my friends were shocked to see me going out very frequently in a day.

In the great excitement of seeing her, I went out to every shop, sitting there for a few hours, having n number of coffees slowly becoming sleepless. Every night it was a war for me to get to sleep early, I don't know if it is because of all the coffee I have in the morning or due to my extreme screen time. A few days later my eyes went red, it was almost 7 days without sleep or 2 hours of sleep, That took a toll on me. If not cinema I didn't know anything else could drive me this mad and in this madness I forgot to make a script for a person very important to me.

Back to my den, my bed, I sat there for hours not able to write a sentence of the story I needed. 1,2,3,4,5 coffees, even those many coffees didn't get me out of my not so writer's block. Exercising, running around the room, getting my brain to get back to my normal life, normal me. I manifested it like my life depended on it.

*wakes up*

"Hey, Maha can you go get us breakfast, all the three of us not feeling well" Varun said to me.

In pure confusion, I exclaimed "Huhhh?" "You were sick a month ago, same issue, the same way you asked me to go, I am not going this time" He shouted " If you don't want to go it is fine but don't u dare show your acting skills to me" in guilt and confusion I said "I'm sorry, gimme 5, I will get ready and get you all something to eat".

After going out to the tiffin center, I see all the same faces, the same crowd, and the same orders from everyone, and then, Nitya, like a dream, I see her again like it was the first time I saw her. The confusion on my face was pretty evident and I couldn't help but be confused. Like before I felt that she was feeling anxious and be it a dream or anything, I did the same as before, got her the breakfast she wanted, and said "Hey Nitya, 2 plate dosas and 1 plate vada right?". She slapped me so hard that I understood that this was not a dream. She bought herself breakfast and left the place. After I returned home I couldn't stop thinking about what happened before and what happened now. It felt so similar that it was like I traveled back in time.

With all this in mind, I just remembered that I had to submit a script to him, so I went to his house to ask for more time for me to write. "Uhm actually, I know that it's already been long since you asked me for the script, I'm sorry that I couldn't complete it yet" I said to him, he replied "Are you in your senses Maha? You still have a month left. Don't make the same excuse a month later." He replied. In pure panic, I said okay and left that place in a hurry, and after coming back, to my not-so-smart brain, I realized I needed to check today's date, and to my surprise, voila back to the past, 23-07-24.

Thinking of it as a bad dream, I started moving on with my life as usual, but somewhere deep down I knew that this all had already happened, except for me being slapped by Nitya and not going out every day trying to see her. The script was important, and had to complete it before the deadline, I don't know if this is writer's block or just me losing all the talent, I couldn't write anything and along with that, I was not able to sleep properly. It took me around three weeks to construct a storyline summary for him. I went to his place to give him this and ask for more time to complete the whole script. He is a man of a golden heart, he very casually and encouragingly said "Maha, this is not you, you can do better, I've seen it, I've read it. Just write everything from the start, like you have another month's time." I apologized and left the place without another pep talk between us.

I had to write something, something out of my heart, something for my heart; cinema. I drank litres of coffee every day for a week straight and now I am not able to fall asleep even for an hour. I was lying down on the ground wishing I could go back in time to write the whole story again and said to myself "Sleep, we'll think of this tomorrow"

*Wakes up*

"Hey, Maha can you go get us breakfast, all the three of us not feeling well" Varun said to me.

Being shocked and amazed about the situation I confusingly said "ok". I stepped out to get breakfast like the last two times and saw the same crowd, the same orders from each person, and the same Nitya. Unlike the second time, I went to Nitya and approached her like I did the first time and surprisingly she did not slap me this time, and that was a great relief for me. I repeated everything like the first time, got her breakfast, and asked her name and when her friend called her from behind, I did not make it awkward and made a small pep talk out of it making her stay a little longer, and to my surprise, I got her phone number and her address, at that point I felt like I am not an introvert I am just a selective speaker, and when I was talking to her I remembered that I need to complete my script and that is the most important thing to do at that point of time.

I am not sure about how or why everything is resetting itself to that day but yeah maybe I am experiencing something that no one else can experience so I said to myself to utilize it like this is the best chance I got. I started writing the script as soon as I reached my room, I sat down, opened my laptop, started typing, typed a few hundred words, CTRL+A, and delete. I knew all those hundreds of words meant some story but not the story I needed to write. Then I thought, why not write the story that is happening to me? What if I start writing this and get the answers to what is happening to me? But how am I going to get the answers? Well, whatever, let's start writing and give the story outline to him and check if he likes it.

The following day when I went to his house, I never saw him so excited to listen to a narration of a story but all he told was "Maha, you are getting a grip of it, try it, once again." I didn't understand what he meant but I understood that he liked my story outline but not the incompleteness in the story and damn it, now I have to start everything from first and I don't even have time, or what if.

I went to my room sat down, tried hard to sleep, and tried to go back, but boom! Nothing happened and I still am here. Then few hours after binge-watching a new web series I dozed off without noticing.

*Wakes up*

"Hey Maha, can you-"

"I will bring you breakfast, gimme 5 I will get ready and bring you," I said to Varun.

Varun angrily said "What the hell are you thinking, I was about to tell can you please answer your never-ending ringing phone, someone named Nitya has been calling since forever"

"Wait Nitya's been calling me?? Varun, please give me the chance to kill you because you did not wake me up earlyyy"

*on call*

"Hey Nitya, sorry slept late yesterday, and. My phone was-"

"Listen, keep your apologies to yourself and come meet me where you last saw me!"

"Why is everything alright?"

"Just come here I'll explain to you everything you need to know"

"Uhm explain about what?"

"Can you just come here instead of asking a hundred questions?"

And when I went there, under the crying cloud she stood by them, giving the colors to the rainbow. I went to her and asked her what happened and the reply shocked me to my core "Maha, try it once again, the first time it was for me, the second time it was for him, and now you have the chance to do it for both of us but somethings holding you back, what's it? What's it this time?"

Me cluelessly thinking about what she said and then I realised that she knew what happened to me on coming back to the same day twice. It made sense at first of her speaking about me but it did not make sense because if she knew what was happening to me why not tell me when I first met her and then all of a sudden she touched my forehead and said sleep!

*Wakes up*

"Hey, Maha can you go get us breakfast, all the three of us not feeling well" Varun said to me.

I said okay and went to get them breakfast again. This time when I saw her I didn't meet her, I just ordered what I needed and went back to my room, and then she messaged me, meet me, now! Me confusingly thinking about what's happening to me and my peaceful life. When I went to meet her all she did to me was that forehead sleep technique and I am back to the same day.

"Hey, Maha can you go get us breakfast, all the three of us not feeling well," Varun said to me, I said okay, went there ignored her again, got a message, met her, and slept.

"Hey, Maha can you go get us breakfast, all the three of us not feeling well" Varun said to me, this time I said "Sorry, I'm not feeling well too, can we order it online" he said ok, and ordered food online.

Then I get a message asking me to meet her, again. I said no, and this time without touching my forehead she made me fall asleep, it was like she had full control of my life and me.

*waking up* *sleeping* *waking up* *sleeping* *waking up* *sleeping* *waking up* *sleeping*

And I've had enough of what I'm having and decided to do it the way I did it the first time, the perfect way of me not repeatedly sleeping and waking up.

I met her, got her number, spoke to her every day, we got close, and then I slept again to wake up to that same day.

I knew something was wrong and I don't know what. It feels like something constantly running in my mind but it's being suppressed by other things.

Oh wait wait, when she said "The first time it was for me, the second time it was for him" she meant my attraction and my love; Nitya and cinema. Maybe that was the wrong thing that happened last time. Ok, now I'm ready, one last time, to perfection.

*Wakes up*

"Hey, Maha can you go get us breakfast, all the three of us not feeling well" Varun said to me.

I said okay and went to get them breakfast again. I met her, got her number, we spent a lot of time together, I spent time discussing my script with her, and to my wonder, she knows absolutely nothing about it and it feels like the one who put me to sleep and the one I am talking to are two different people, are they? Are they not?

I completed the script with the help of Nitya, she gave me suggestions and encouragement, and sometimes that is all we need to complete a few tasks. When I met him to give him the script he said "Oh dear maha, seems like you have completed the script, I know that it has been tuned to perfection, don't narrate it to me, just put it there and carry on." I didn't understand what he meant but either way, I'm out of that creepy loop and I'm finally having a normal person's life, my love and my love; Nitya and Cinema.

Oh wait, have I ever described to you what his place looked like? Maybe not.

"When we enter into his place it isn't a normal house with few doors, a couple of bedrooms, a balcony blah blah blah. It feels like we enter into heaven, the walls are painted white in which you can't even see the corners anymore, it feels like an infinite space, and in between all those walls and paint, there's a couple sofa, shaped like a cloud, and I assume the whole sofa's for him, because when you see him sitting on the sofa, it almost feels like you are seeing god, and trust me you wouldn't want to see him very regularly because he a man who plays with his words like a cat playing with balls, everything seems so confusing yet so meaningful and there's always a light shining behind him as if he really was god. But yeah I'm sure he's just a normal person like me."

To my surprise, who was she, the one who looked like Nitya, who put me to sleep, multiple times. Maybe I need to sort this one out by myself? But how will I? I can get answers only if I talk to her again. But how do I talk to her? Mind voice? Nah maybe not, maybe I can sleep.

"Hey Maha, seems like you came to me, what's it this time?"

"Wait, who are you"

"Is it important to know who am I or what am I capable of? What If I say that everything you saw and heard, or more like everything you felt is not what you felt? It is what you thought you felt. Let's put it this way, you saw me, Nitya, on 23-07-24, you liked me a lot that you couldn't hold off your thoughts of not meeting her the following days, and man you gotta see all the thoughts running in your mind, woah uh oh, one of the most creative brains I saw. You have a long way to go, you have a long story to write."

"What do you mean when you said 'you gotta see all the thoughts running in your brain' how would you know, do u live in my brain? Haha nice joke"

"Maha, we both know what's real and what's not, I am you, I am your thoughts, I am your actions, I am your subconsciousness. I was awakened by you when you couldn't handle both writing a script and having a friend in your life, you chose the script, but you saw where you went with all that, a rejection, by yourself, tell me a thing, who's the man in the white room, and why does he appear so god-like? He your god?"

"He is the director of the script I submitted"

"Is he, Maha? Have you ever seen him? Gave him a handshake? Maha, wake up, it's time to understand what's happening all around you. He was your subconscious state, you never liked the stories you wrote until I gave you an idea, what are we? Your thoughts, we never die, even when you sleep, and maybe even when you die. Your Eternal Thoughts; Nityalochana"

And that was when I woke up from my 1-day nap after all those days of wanting to see Nitya and wanting to write a story for a director. I understood that all those things never really happened to me, but they happened to me, subconsciously.

Thank You for attending this book launch, I would be more than happy to get back to you with more and more stories to say and live.

"Hey Maha, I hope you remember me"

"Nitya, there's not a chance to forget you, you have been my thought forever, like my book, you are my Nityalochana"

"Maybe all this was for her, to get her back, to get back what I lost, to get what I need."